I just need someone to tell me it's okay. We have all been focusing on the wrong issues, the wrong ideals. I just need someone to tell me no fall is too detrimental. 

A fall is a fall. all we need is just a recovery period and go at it again.

I'm just really tired. But I have no time to recover, no time to rest.

Urgh that feeling where I feel like giving up everything hits me again. Morning classes brings out the failure in me. They make me want to fail in life. ARGHHHHHH

I finally went to hongkong again during my holidays, just roaming around, going places that I have never went before.

This time I had a night to roam around on my own and I think I really enjoyed this 'alone' time in a foreign land -not that foreign actually I've been to hongkong almost a million times- though I got into a little situation that I think would make me more alert in the future (hehe) I really love this feeling being in a place where you feel vulnerable as it is nowhere near home, no one to go to, just yourself.

Maybe this is the thrill I want, the longing for wanderlust and venturing into the unknowns.

My new year resolution

After a few months of shit happening, I have finally decided what my 2013 should be.

I belong to myself.
If I should be angry, I'd be angry at my own incompetency when something fucks up.
If I should be reprimanding, I'd be reprimanding myself for procrastinating and not living up to my own expectations.
If I should care about anything at all, I'd care about myself and my health and my work.
If I should help, I'd help myself to make sure I am working hard to be consistent and not be lazy.

I don't belong to anyone but myself. It's only when I finally see things turning out right for me do I feel that I am finally living.

I've been through the foolish obstinacy of others and I swear I will not go through it again.

I might have said this a gazillion times but I'll say it again.

This time I'm going to be here for myself.
No more overwhelming samaritan-complexes to help others in the expense of my own well-being.
No more inexpressible struggles.

I feel so trapped. It's like the glass globe that I've been living in has been shattered and I have no idea how to get out of the mess without getting cut by the shards. I don't know how to start to clear this mess, and all I hope is that someone can just pull me entirely out of this danger.

Today I ordered a cup of caramel macchiato like I always do, and when I took a sip of it I found out that the barista had forgotten to add in the vanilla syrup pumps. As I drank a few more sips to 'savor' the taste, I thought maybe I could use a bit of bitterness in my coffee.

But right after that thought I walked straight to the barista and told him to make another cup, reminding him to add in the vanilla pumps.

I guess I couldn't take too much of that bitterness, its not that its unbearable, just that if I had a choice I wouldn't want to.

I can never understand how my mother likes to take her coffee black and unsweetened.

And I think I should start reading soon and do something to my vocabulary. Sometimes when I'm talking to my friends the right word never comes to mind, and I am sick of my deteriorating competence for the right words.

Thoughts on a rainy day.

I've been thinking of probable job prospects, and below listed is not arranged in any order of preference.

1) A interior decorator, helping people set up their homes to their taste.
Personally I feel this is truly a saturated market, decorators, people who claimed to be "interior designers" are just located -a few- every heartland, suburban mall away. They ask you what you want, and "does it your way". Design? There is no true design to speak of, only functionality and aesthetically pleasing to the owner's eyes. While I like to think that I have the passion for interior decor but everything's better if its for pleasure no?

2) An architect, interior architect;
or someone who just takes care of everything needed to build a house, a home, a building, yada yada.
Well, the chances are quite slim since I'm someone lack of flair for sciences, mathematics, engineering and all that boring stuffs needed for calculations to keep people safe. Unless I meet someone who can take care of that for me, I'd jump into it any given opportunity.

3) A boss of a label that involves some very carefully curated goods.
Its kinda my dream actually, to curate, or even create some highly sought after "un-necessities". To sell things that people want though they may not truly need. And this "philosophy" is very me. I like to buy unncessary items.  But this can only happen when I am suddenly fucking wealthy and just happened to have A LOT of spare money to gamble/play with.

It can even extend out to overlap any realms. A space for food, for curating, for lifestyle, for everything. It would be a dream to be able to live my life with only the best of things, and not settling for anything that doesn't have quality, pleasing aesthetics, and not pleasing to my eye. Haha.

But just one single problem: Commerce is the bane of me. I'm never shrewd with money. It's a flaw, that will kill me. 

4) A critic.
Why not? I love criticism. And I want to be a critic of everything. I can do a critic on a restaurant: the branding, the food, the service, the decor, the uniform, the space design. I can critic about your work: How you present, the font, the content, and even to the extent of your language and vocabulary, and spotting some double spaces hiding in between paragraphs of your report. You are welcome. 

So if this comes true my namecard will have Shermaine Chang, Critic. Call me if you need some criticising ;)

5) A job that deals with English, Chinese, Cantonese, Japanese and Italian language specifically.
What? Well, I know them, I should use them right? 

6) A job that I'll be happy about.
I'm serious. I don't really know what I really want - my close friends are really sick of my dilemma hahahaa. But I really hope that whatever I'm going to do I'll be happy about it.


But once in a while you would wish you don't have to work, right?

Why is everyone trying to talk me out of everything? Why can't I just do what I like? What makes you think that school is that most important part of life that you just have to sacrifice all your fun things just to ensure that you are 'giving it all' to your education? Education can feed you, but not for life. Fun may not feed you, and be rest assured that fun will help you go through your life.

Stop trying to warn me, or threaten me, or scold me just because what I did is something you won't ever have the guts/balls to do.

Just gloat when I'm kicked off from school, homeless and penniless. And for now, just SHUT THE FUCK UP THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Everyone is getting suck in their own little puny worlds and no one wants to get out. If you can manage to step out for a while, just try and look how help is trying to reach you, and all of you are just sulking in your little "fortress", complaining about how the world don't treat you well.

Just listen to yourself and reflect on how ridiculous you sound.

Insomnia. I'm keeping everything to my diary on my phone now. Everything is starting to dwindle. Except for my few close friends, may nothing bad ever happen to us.